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Desire

by Corbin Giroux

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1.
I'm so tired of losing sleep over things that I can't change, history just repeats. I'm so clouded, it's hard to see when the past year you've been buried beneath the leaves It's revolving around the fact that I seclude myself and do this every time. So forget everything you wanted to be. There's bound to be something better than me. The comfort is gone in my own home. I've grown bored of this time spent alone.
2.
September 03:42
I don't know what state my mind is in, these past few weeks it's happened again. The reality starts to sink in. I really think I just need a friend. I know that paragraphs won't always help me find solitude, but I know that when I'm alone it's the only time I can utter something true. This may not be the first time; it's happened before to me. This may not be the last time, but it isn't what I need. Maybe time is all I need, to sort everything out. He said "yeah but for the moment all I have to carry is self doubt." I could never convey truly how I feel. I penned some words but let's be real. It's only so long before the words become unclean. The only person that can help myself is me. I know that paragraphs won't always help me find tranquility, but I know that one of these days I'll wake up and see me again.
3.
Instantly 05:22
Slow down, we're all moving too fast. I wanna know how far it takes for me to get somewhere. I need to work on myself. There's only so much I can do when the problem is me. I'm still a kid. I'm bored by everything. Take a step inside my head and you'll see nothing except a shining light illuminating the words "my inability to communicate the way I feel with anyone." I'm still a kid. I'm bored by all of this. I'm having conversations with myself again, but no ones listening. So cut me out of everything. We're all veering away from the morals we stood by and held all along I'm starting to think there's a reason this always happens in the fall. I still feel as though I've accepted my mediocrity. I left my house and regretted it instantly. I still feel as though I've accepted my mediocrity. I spoke my mind and regretted it instantly. So cut me out of everything.
4.
Nine Years 03:08
My fingers have grown cold from the absence of your presence in my home. My mind says I won't move on, because I'm still here and you're gone. My head remains looking at the ground. There's no peace; there's no sound. My heart caves at the thought of that night. A cold kitchen floor; an inevitable goodnight.
5.
Silent 03:34
When October came they took you away, to a safer place where you'd spend the last of your days. But you were always miserable there. You just wanted to go. "Anywhere but here," you said. "I want to go home." But now you're gone. You haven't even eaten in ten whole days. I don't know how you're doing it but I wish there was a way to let you know how I feel. But instead I'll just keep to myself. I know your time is limited, and I can't do anything to help. Come home.
6.
Stay Here 03:50
So wide awake with eyes wide shut just let me stay here for more than just now I'm not dancing around the truth I'm just thinking of how things should be cause everyone has an idea except for me. I'm not putting this off it's just getting away from me.
7.
Cut me out of everything. This isn't what I ever needed. You'll ask me how I feel; I'll tell you I'm alright. I'd rather be alone tonight. I'm letting go because all the people that I've once known have turned to ghosts. I don't think that I can tread at the pace you're moving. I just feel worn instead. So maybe I'll come along and maybe I'll see the day where I'm not so enveloped by everything. Wide awake with eyes closed shut.
8.
Consistent 01:16
I felt scared when I was blinded by black. Nothing was consistent, not even me. I found the pain right after you found peace. I felt a change. I felt blue. I'll never again see either of you.
9.
Weight 03:33
It is purposeful to relay that however lonely one may become, intrusive intentions do not become some sort of compensation. Every fragment of love that I have never felt sinks in that much deeper when looking back on names, places and stories. Everything now is minuscule. Everything then was minuscule; but the most crippling part is that I've forced myself to believe this. I've reiterated to myself that it didn't matter, that it doesn't matter, and that it won't hold any weight in the future, but in the end I'm the hypocrite that can't even believe in myself. Everything is magnified when your whole life you've had nothing to hold a microscope to. The tiniest of particles become relevant when the only glimmer of light in focus is pointing in their direction. We are meant to love and embrace with our entire being, not destroy. We are meant to display humility throughout our encounters, not hostile behaviour. Disregard me and act in the name of greed because I've grown accustomed to it. Only a coward could see something with such potential and try to make it his own. I still feel as though I've accepted my mediocrity. I still feel as though I'm not enough for anybody.
10.
Lie Alone 03:53
I'm alone. I can't be loved by anyone. Turn me stone. Any hope has withered away. Call me poison. I'll probably agree. I'm reflecting on the good person I used to be. Where am I now? Where have I gone? I look in the mirror and see someone I'm ashamed of. I'm afraid. I can't bear to look at myself most days. I'm ashamed that the accumulation of 20 years has brought me here to become this. Watch me deteriorate while I continue to hate myself and wonder why anyone sticks around. I'm colder than I was before and it wasn't until I opened my mind that I realized I'm not always going to be right. Where am I now

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released February 5, 2016

Engineered/Mixed/Mastered by Vince Soliveri.

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Corbin Giroux Hamilton, Ontario

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